Faux Romance
by stephfarrow94
Summary: Fran is desperate for Squalo to get rid of Rasiel, the Rain Guardian having allowed for the older twin to join Varia just to keep Bel out of their hair for a while. How are they going to accomplish this? By pretending to be boyfriends. Fran can't see how that will accomplish anything other than attracting Lussuria. Rated M for safety; implied RasielxBel


Fran sighed at the commotion coming from the bedroom next to his, knowing he should have, by now, gotten used to the violence that promised _very _loud sex not long after. He hoped it was something that would stop soon - the teenager had _no idea_ what had gone through Squalo's mind when the man had allowed for Rasiel to join the Varia as the older blond was more volatile than Belphegor and seemed only to care about antagonising his brother and then getting a quick fuck out of him.

If it were up to Fran, he'd have kicked the Millefiore member out on his ass by now, but alas, no one else seemed as bothered as Fran was by the fake Mare Ring holder's presence; even Xanxus, who had supposedly killed the slightly-taller twin, didn't seem to care much about whom he had deemed as "Pathetic Trash" - which Fran had a feeling had come about due to the other having pleaded for his life. When the teal-haired boy had asked why this was, the Varia boss had simply replied, "He keeps the prince trash out of my hair."

It was looking as if Fran was going to have to do something about this himself, but first he had to talk to Squalo and wonder if the long-haired man would consider going back on his offer.

Finding Squalo wasn't that hard to do as the swordsman was usually in his bedroom if he weren't out working his ass off for their lazy boss. The Rain Guardian was curled up in his bed today, the TV on the other side of the room playing some sort of documentary on sharks.

"Can you talk to sharks, long-haired commander?" Fran had invited himself into the large room, emerald eyes watching his superior blankly. Pointing to the TV, he then asked, "Is that your uncle? Or maybe your long-lost brother?"

"Voi!" Squalo tossed the remote he had been holding at the door, just missing Fran's head by inches. "Shut the fuck up, you little shit!"

Fran blinked before he stepped further into the room, making his way to the bed. "Is this shark week? If it is, please go join your relatives in the ocean instead of trying to kill me."

Squalo just huffed, rolling onto his side so that his back was to Fran. "The fuck do you want anyway? If you're just here to piss me off, fuck off!"

After approaching the bed, Fran reached out and, in a clumsy manner, patted the man's face. He ignored the way the silver-haired male swatted at his hands, starting to speak. "I need your help."

The older male snorted before he rolled onto his back, looking up at the youngest member. "What? Why the fuck would you - stop fucking touching me! Who knows where your grotty hands have been?! Probably been jerking yourself off or something!"

"It's okay if you don't like to be touched, stupid commander; we don't like touching you, either - we're at risk of you biting our fingers off with your abnormally sharp teeth if we do."

"Fuck off!"

Sitting down on the bed without permission, Fran began his request. "Please get rid of Bel-senpai's brother."

"Why would I do that? With him here, Bel stops bothering us and instead tries to kill _him_ - it's a win-win situation." Grabbing a bottle of water from the bedside table, Squalo twisted the cap. "He's not going anywhere unless he dies because I'm sick of having to get Lussuria to stitch my skin back together when Belphegor decides it'll be a fun game to throw knives at me when I'm sleeping."

"Yeah, but your room isn't next to_ theirs_." Fran sighed. "They keep me up at night having sex, and through the day I can't get any quiet because they're either fighting, trying to kill each other, or again, having sex. It's all they do - they don't get along."

"What do you want _me _to do about it?" Dark eyes rolled in their sockets.

"Get rid of Bel-senpai's hairy brother." The boy poked his fellow officer's cheek, his bored emerald eyes staring into dark ones. "Any means necessary."

Squalo sneered at the suggestion, knowing that while he himself didn't like Rasiel's presence, he had more important things to do than worry about kicking out someone who was beneficial to keeping his body intact.

But the man was also smart enough to know that if he didn't at least_ attempt _to do something, then Fran was never going to get off his case and cause even more of a headache than this squad already did.

"Fine, then." Getting off his king-sized bed, Squalo stretched. "But you're helping, since it's _your _fucking idea."

Fran cocked his head to the side. "How are we doing it?"

"You're going to pretend to be my boyfriend, and maybe we can just scare him off."

Fran shrugged. "That sounds like a stupid idea, long-haired commander; how is that going to scare anyone off? If anything, it'll only attract Lussuria."

"You're the fucking one who wants him gone!" Squalo snapped. "Go with it!"

"You're a stupid strategy captain; how have you not gotten us all killed yet? You're meant to come up with some brilliant mind-boggling plan, and instead this is something a couple of middle-schoolers would try."

"Shut up..." With that said, Squalo tugged Fran from the bed and then left the room; he didn't have anything better to do on his day off, so he might as well indulge in his subordinate's wishes - maybe if he were lucky, he would find a bit of entertainment out of this.

**~~XX~~**

"They're coming." Squalo pulled his head away from the corner of the door, turning back to Fran. "Just, uhh... I don't know, put your hands on my shoulders or something."

Fran tried to do as instructed, only to groan in frustration. "You're too tall, long-haired commander. And this hoody makes it hard to reach past." Pushing himself onto his tiptoes, the boy tried to prove this.

"Fuck..." Bending his back, Squalo pulled Fran against his front, their faces inches apart. "Put your arms around my neck."

Fran did as told, his emerald eyes looking anywhere but at Squalo. He cocked his head to the side as he heard two sets of footsteps getting closer, accompanied by the expected shouting of the two twins. "This is uncomfortable."

"Whatever. Just kiss me." Squalo scrunched his face up in distaste, trying not to think about how perfect the younger's body felt against his own.

"I don't want to kiss you." As always, Fran spoke in a flat tone, his eyes finally making contact with Squalo's.

"Just do it if you want him gone!" The swordsman hissed, his eyes narrowing in annoyance. "_You _were the one to fucking ask for my help!"

"Yeah, but I don't want to kiss you."

"If you don't -"

"- Ushishishi~"

The two males turned around at Belphegor's snicker, finding the twins standing in the doorway, watching them with matching smirks. Squalo frowned at them while Fran wriggled in the other's arms, unintentionally brushing against a sensitive part of his superior's body.

"I didn't know you swung that way, Squa~" Belphegor cocked his head to the side. "I always thought Froggy was a closet fag, but I didn't expect for you to be his type~"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Ushesheshe~" Rasiel's smirk widened as he reached out, gripping his brother's wrist none-too-gently. "Let's go, brother; they might want some _privacy~" _

Belphegor laughed again as he nodded, letting himself be dragged out of the room.

Squalo and Fran looked at each other. The boy was silent, letting Squalo speak. "You didn't do it right, brat. If you had just kissed me when I told you to, they probably wouldn't have stuck around! You need to take things more seriously!"

"Now you're just sounding like a dirty old paedophile using me to fulfil your sick sexual desires of voyeurism."

"What-fucking-ever! Next time, just do as I say without fucking arguing about it!"

_**~~XX~~**_

Later that day, Squalo and Fran found the twins seated downstairs in the living room, the two clashing in what looked to be a violent kiss if the blood that dribbled down their chins was anything to go by.

"Alright, brat." Squalo stood in the hallway, looking at Fran. "We're going to go in there and -"

"You're not going to make us have sex, are you?" Fran sighed. "We haven't even gone on a date yet."

"Voi!" Squalo threw his arms up in the air, knowing that this was more trouble than it was worth. "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person on Earth!"

"That hurts. You're going to make me tear up, long-haired commander."

Squalo snorted. "Just go in there and sit on my lap for a bit. Talk dirty to me."

Fran nodded, following the man into the living room. The twins broke apart to watch the newcomers with hungry eyes. The teal-haired boy was quick to follow Squalo onto the couch next to the two blonds, sitting on the Rain Guardian's lap. He wrapped his arms around the man's neck, stilling instinctively as lips pressed against his.

Fran blinked when Squalo pulled away from his face, remembering what he had been instructed to do.

"Long-haired commander, the walls need to be cleaned." Fran didn't know why the other looked so pissed off, but he continued on anyway. "There's dirt on the floorboards, too. The maid isn't doing her job, properly. I bet the kitchen's filthy, with dishes everywhere."

From beside them, the twins cackled away in delight.

"It must be very amusing in bed for you, Squa." Belphegor smirked deviously as he looked at his brother. "Does he point out the smallest speck of dust on your pillow in the middle of doing it?"

"Fuck off! At least I'm not getting fucked up the ass by my twin all the time!"

"Yeah, but Bel is a whore; he loves it." Licking his lips, Rasiel guided his brother down onto the floor, parting his legs so that the younger could kneel between them. "Suck, brother."

Eagerly, the young Storm Guardian unzipped his twin's pants. Squalo and Fran didn't know what happened next; they had fled as if the devil was after them.

**-XX- **

"Okay, so that plan backfired on us." Squalo stood by Fran's side, knowing that the twins were on their way downstairs. "Third time's the charm."

"There's nothing charming about _you_, long-haired commander."

"Shut it! Now, umm... I-I guess we'll have to, umm... go further..."

"You mean by changing rooms?" Fran shook his head. "I'm comfortable here, thank you."

"Did anyone ever bother giving you the talk?" The long-haired man sneered. "You're fucking retarded."

"My master told me the basics - or at least showed me them, anyway; his illusions showed his more perverted side. I wasn't taught anything other than what I saw, and I looked away a lot - I might have missed something important. Was that a smart thing to do?"

"...Considering it was Mukuro, I don't know..." Shaking his head, Squalo continued on. "U-umm... We'll, uh... Do... _stuff, _okay?"

"Stuff?"

"You know..." Rubbing the back of his head nervously, Squalo had never felt as pathetic as he did right now; why was he suddenly so uneasy with talking about sex to Fran? He was a _Varia member_, damnit! "Let's, um... W-well, you can palm me, and I'll... f-finger you, I guess..." Upon the blank look he received, Squalo slapped his hand against his face. "Just go with whatever I do!"

Fran nodded, pleased with this. He followed the older male out of the kitchen and into the living room, sitting the same way they had before. He wrapped his arms around the stronger male's neck, tense as the other claimed his mouth in a kiss. He didn't return the gesture; he instead stayed still as the man's hot muscle pressed against his own, staring as blankly as ever into dark orbs.

"Squalo!" Fran jumped as he felt his hand being grabbed and moved down to the strategy captain's lap, his small fingers being forced to wrap around the bulge he could feel.

Squalo broke the kiss in order to soothe the boy and, after just a minute, he had coaxed the illusionist back into a kiss. He was aware that the twins had, by now, entered the room once more and were watching the scene before them. He tried not to shudder under their piercing gaze and instead slid his hand down the small of Fran's back, slipping calloused fingers in past the hem of the younger's pants.

"Can we join?"

Squalo winced as a wet tongue licked at his cheek seconds before Belphegor's maniacal laughter sounded next to his ear. Jumping from his seat, he shoved Fran onto the ground as he stood up. "Fuck this shit; you're on your own, Fran!" With that said, he was gone.

Fran sighed, looking at the doorway his fake boyfriend had disappeared out of. At least now he knew not to come to Squalo with this problem because, so far, all the swordsman had managed to accomplish was to make the situation even worse.


End file.
